Weddings!

What a great wedding season we've had so far!  Well - actually wedding season may be in full force but our involvement in it is over - our only two weddings for the summer of 2010 have come and gone.  My brother, Severin married his bride, Colleen, on May 15th.  And our good Denver friends, Zane & Sarah were married on June 5th.

Severin and Colleen were married at Brookside Gardens, a Hanou family favorite from our years living in Maryland!  They had beautiful weather and exceptionally beautiful flowers surrounding them.  Colleen's twin brother Brian was their officiant, however I believe Colleen wrote most of their ceremony!  Both Sev & Colleen wrote their own vows, it was beautiful.  The Hanou family and the Shane family fit quite well together and we had a great time (Colleen's one of four kids too - 2 boys 2 girls).   The newest Hanou couple honeymooned in the Grand Caymans and just celebrated their one month anniversary in their usual style - with her on business in Azerbaijan :(  Hopefully she'll be in town for the important 1 year anniversary!  (Or out of town with Severin!!!)

It was really good for Mike & I to get out of town and see some family and friends. 

Then 3 short weeks later we were travelling again! This time we took a roadtrip south to Santa Fe, New Mexico for Zane and Sarah's wedding, well 2nd wedding technically!  They were married at the Denver J.P. a few days prior.  But as you can see from the pictures below, the Santa Fe wedding was less "legal" but much prettier! 

It was a cowboy theme wedding, as you can tell.  Inzo needs a little more time to grow into Uncle Mike's cowboy hat - but it sure does provide good shade in the meantime!  Zane and Sarah also wrote their own vows and Sarah's friend Jody wrote the nicest ceremony - quoting many books and movies about marriage and adding a bit of her own humor as well! 

So with our summer weddings over, our future holds many camping opportunities for Mike and I.  Our one year anniversary is coming up and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather spend it than in the Colorado mountains with my honey and our dogs! 

Turning the page, trying to cope with our loss

We have known now for 10 weeks that the twins had a very serious weight distribution problem.  Despite our best attempts; seeing multiple specialists, trying various vitamins, diet additives, rest, water therapy and more, our boys lost their fight last week.  When Mike and I went in for our 26 week check last week, the sonographer was unable to find heart beats in either baby.  She gently explained this to us, left us alone and came back with the doctor and she reaffirmed they were in fact gone, it appeared to have just happened, I couldn't have felt it, let alone done anything to prevent it.   We were then ushered across the hall to a private room that became my fortress for the next 3 and 1/2 days straight. 
My body was certainly not ready to give up those boys.  Presbyterian/St. Luke's hospital staff were so kind to us, helped connect us with the resources available to us and most importantly, helped my body deliver the boys in the safest, most comfortable way possible.  It took 63 hours for my uterus to let go but believe me your prayers were heard because I felt no pain.
I know it seems unimaginable but the last few days have brought Mike and I closer than ever.  At the wee hours of the morning before the babies arrived, I have never been so scared.  I woke Mike to tell him it was time and he held my hand and stared into my eyes through the whole hour and a half of active labor.  We
took ourselves back to happier times, relived our favorite hikes, highlights of our honeymoon canoeing and horseback riding.  We walked each other through mental images of glaciers and wildlife.  I reminded Mike he promised me 60 years when he proposed to me (because that's how long his grandmother wore my wedding and engagement rings from his grandfather, he promised me we'd have 60 good years too).  We swore this would be the worst moment of our lives and that we would come out of this stronger than ever.   I will never forget when I felt the boys come into this world, the feeling of peace and comfort we felt knowing that my body performed so well.  It was the first glimpse of the healing we will someday achieve. 
At some point over the weekend, I found myself alone for a couple of hours.  Restless as always, I got out of my hospital bed and curled up in the windowsill.  Looking out over Longs Peak, I couldn't help but laugh out loud.  I knew what we had to name the boys.  Mike & I agreed, naming the boys some of the names we loved before their death didn't feel right to us.  We needed to name them something special.  Those of you who were at our wedding (or any other wedding or any bar in Denver for that matter!) know Mike and I kind of like to dance and we especially love to dance to "old school" country music.  We named the boys Willie and Waylon after Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings.  It fits us to a T.  We will never listen to "Lukinback, Texas" and not smile and think of "Willie, Waylon and our boys".  We're having Willie and Waylon cremated and we'll bring them up to the mountains this summer to a special spot and release them. 
On a side note I want to mention an incredible organization called "Now I lay me down to sleep".  It consists of photographers from the Denver area who volunteer free of charge to take tasteful images of stillborn babies.  This incredible woman got dressed in the middle of the night to come down to the hospital and photograph our boys so we will have that keepsake.  Mike and I have decided to donate YOUR $300 to this organization.  This is the money my dad collected from all of our $10 bets when we were so hopeful and optimistic about the "twinsational news" (as my dad called it!).  We feel that's the best use for the money...
Now a few words from Mike:
So.......Courtney said most of what we wanted to say. I just have a few things to add.  First and foremost, my wife was/is amazing and continues to inspire me. We have a lot of grieving yet to do, but without her love and support I don't know if I would have the strength to face it honestly and openly. Secondly, thank you to all who called, and prayed, and thought about us. Your love and kindness is felt and appreciated. A special thanks to Casey. There were moments when I really needed to "check-out" and she was always there to be with Courtney. We both feel very lucky to have such great friends and family on our side.
As Courtney mentioned, it was 63 hours of hospital time before the boys came out. While it was probably the most tragic and trying moment of our lives, it was also amazing. In a strange way it was beautiful and deeply bonding for us and we will be forever affected by the experience. I chose to believe that the boys waited so long to come out so they could be with their mother, if only for a few minutes, on Mothers Day. Hopefully, someday, Courtney will be remember those boys and those moments fondly each Mother's Day.
We are under no illusions that the next several months are going to be difficult, but don't pity us. Our love is strong, our lives are good, and our outlook of the future is bright. The Colorado Kerschens come out of this stronger and better than ever.

"Holy" Weekend! What a good time!

Mike and I finally met the newest member of the Kerschen family last weekend!  Our new nephew Johnny has been in our hearts and on our minds for well over a year now.  Cathy began this Haitian adoption process a year and a half ago, all the while knowing it was a long drawn out process, much of which was well out of her hands.  She has been "promised" to Johnny for quite some time and even took a trip to Haiti last fall to meet him.  This January when tragedy hit Haiti and the earthquake destroyed an already damaged country, the Haitian government finally agreed to speed up any and all adoptions already in the process.  Cathy endured a very painful 10-12 days watching the tragedy unfold on television and waiting to find out if she could finally bring Johnny home.   Finally, she got word that Johnny and many other orphans were being released.  Mom Kerschen and Cathy met up in Florida and spent the night (yes, the whole night!) awake, in the airport waiting for the children to be paired up with their adoptive parents. 
Johnny turned 2 in February.  He and his sister Layla have adjusted amazingly well to each other and their new life with Cathy.  Cathy is one of the busiest people I know and she seems to be handling it VERY well! We are so very glad to be Johnny's god-parents and even though he is surrounded and loved by his Michigan family, we know when he gets older he'll love visiting his Colorado family too! 

Here's Johnny with his Godfathers (Uncle Mike & Uncle John)

Uncle Mike practicing holding 2! 

Layla (who will be 1 year old next week) and Johnny

We're calling our Michigan trip a "Holy weekend" because not only did we have a baptism, but we had our niece Amanda's confirmation too.  It was great!  The pastor asked all family members and the confirmation sponsor to come up to the altar and lay thier hands on the candidate.  Most of the kids had 3-5 family members apporach the altar.  But in classic Kerschen style, we over-represented, 14 of us were there to support Amanda's rite of passage!   If that wasn't embarassing enough to a 12 year old soon to be teenager, her cousin Johnny adores her and couldn't understand why she had to go back on the altar and he couldn't go with her.  So after an hour long car ride and an hour long mass program, he finally had a typical two-year-old tantrum.  I'd say it was long overdue! 

As usual, we had a very busy but awesome visit back in Michigan (our 3rd trip in a year!).  Unfortunately, I was VERY sick while we were visiting.  I have perhaps the worst cold in my adult life right now.  I told Mike I don't even like being around mself right now!  I have been sick for two whole weeks now and I'm finally starting to feel better.  As if I didn't have enough on my plate!  I've been coughing so much I've bruised my ribs...ugghh.  Mike went to a natural grocery store last night and bought me some cough lozenges, throat sprays, lemon tea, honey and my personal favorite a lavendar plant and get well card.  The lavendar plant is supposed to help you sleep (and will look fantastic in my yard if I ever get to garden again!).   I'm not usually one to believe in herbal medicines but I did sleep better with it by my bed last night.  Could it be the lavendar's healing powers or the love of my very sweet husband?  I'm not sure but I hope it helps again tonight! 

Living week to week...

Let me begin by apologizing for being one of the worst bloggers on the planet!  When I began this blog idea, I was newly pregnant and naive.  I assumed it would be the most magical, wonderful experience of my life.  Don't get me wrong it is!  But Mike and I have learned over the past 8 weeks that pregnancy can be anxiety ridden and having twins makes it even more so!  As you know, we've been seeing a specialist (ok a few specialists!) for the past few weeks.  Baby A is much smaller and seems to have "absent diastolic pressure", meaning he has poor blood flow where his cord attaches to his belly button.  The overall consensus is, as long as both babies have full stomachs and full bladders, as long as we see growth, any growth every 2 weeks when they take measurements and as long as both babies have good fluid volume in their sacs, we "buy ourselves another week". 

Today was my 25 week check-up.  My time flies!  When we began our specialist chronicles at 17 weeks I was praying just to make it to 28 weeks.  Is it greedy for me to be praying for 37 now!?!?  At some point in the next few visits there's a good chance I will be hospitalized.  Not for the much anticipated and dreaded reason of bedrest but so the doctors can run Doppler (blood pressure) screenings on Baby A a few times a day.  Should he show signs of distress or god-forbid his heart rate drop we'd have to deliver both babies.  But for now their best bet is to keep living in their cushy little home in my belly! 

Let's talk about my belly!  My is it getting big!  But not too big I'm glad to report.  I'm measuring 28 weeks (only 3 weeks ahead of most singleton pregnancies and most women carrying twins measure 4-6 weeks ahead).  I've gained 24 pounds now but according to my nurse practitioner that's on the low end of he scale so "eat up".  Easier said than done.  I'm so full of water, protein powder and babies that my stomach doesn't tell me I'm hungry....ever.  I just eat and eat! 

Now let's talk about my wonderful, hard-working husband.  Our kitchen remodel is more of a whole home remodel.  I should have known when I married a contractor no project would be small.  Between working all day and sometimes into the evening, going to the doctor once a week and worrying about the boys, we have very little time to commit to working on our house.  It will be so wonderful when it's finished but sometimes the mess gets to me.  The babies room is now complete and I love it!  Mike chose a jungle safari theme, inspired by his trip to Africa with his sister, Cathy,  a few years ago.  I had a good time shopping for ideas to match his theme and  the monkeys are my favorite! 

I have so much more to tell you!  I especially want to tell you about our trip to Michigan last weekend, but I'm too tired!  I promise to post more soon, especially pictures of our niece Layla who is almost a year now and our new nephew Johnny who is every bit as cute as his pictures!  But for now I must get some rest for these boys to get stronger!

Finally a word from the dad!

Courtney and I are still week to week with our doctor, but so far the boys are holding their own. Courtney has been spectacular at getting her protein, water and rest like the doctor suggested and it seems to be working. Twenty weeks yesterday. The official halfway point!  Unlikely we'll go all tthe way to forty, but it's a good milestone to hit.

As for the rest of our world...the Hanou clan just left and boy did we have a great weekend. Not only did Frank and Marsha come out, but this time we also had Pinky (grandpa), Severin and Colleen, and Uncle Tom and Sue!  The girls threw a bridal shower for our soon-to-be sister-in-law Colleen and us guys took Sev out for a night of crazy bachelor fun. On top of that we had a third birthday party for princess Holden and Frank and Marsha got to come and see their first "live" view of their grandsons via the ultrasound.
Thanks to Frank and Severin for helping me out on the kitchen remodel too. Courtney is feeling a lot better about this project now that we have a functioning kitchen again. There is still a lot to do like drywall finishing, trim and paint but all the new appliances and sink, etc. are working so at least it is getting close. With all the couch time Courtney is putting in, she is getting pretty good at knitting. There is at least one homemade/mom-made blanket for the boys in the near future.  We are both staying pretty busy at work too. With all this stuff on our plate it's a good thing we both love our jobs.

We're looking forward to a trip to Michigan to see our new nephew Johnny get baptized and a trip to D.C. for Severin and Colleen's wedding. Other than that we are getting pretty good at being home bodies. It's fun hanging near home and getting ready for the boys.

Take a look at the picture below! There is no denying she's pregnant now!  Beautiful!

"Boys, Go apologize to your Mother"

This is the phrase I hear my husband practicing daily!  Yes, I will soon be way out numbered in my house.  We're having boys!  Could that explain the red meat cravings?  I'm growing quite nicely as you can see from the picture below.  And Baby B is growing perfectly as well.  Unfortunatley, Baby A is about a week and a half behind in growth.  So, Mike & I have now been referred to a specialist :( 
Most twins are born with varying weights and sizes, I've heard that they usually balance out within months of life outside of, well outside of me!  However, at 17 weeks it's a little early for them to be such different sizes.  We now have weekly ultrasounds to make sure the weight and length difference don't continue to go in opposite directions.  And I've been asked to restrict my physical activity (ugggh!), lay down whenever possilbe (double ugggh), drink at least a gallon of fluid a day (you know what that means...more time in the bathroom!) and increase my protein to 150 grams a day.  It's been a tough week for Mike and I.  I think he's having more trouble with it than me because he feels so helpless.  My kick- #@$% sister, Casey came over the next day with a protein additive that is flavorless.  I mix it in my food and condiments all day!  Mike & Zane went to GNC and got me some mega-body builder protein shakes that I now drink 2-3 times a day.  I feel like I haven't had a meal for enjoyment all week!  I'm so full of liquids that the protein supplements really are necessary, there is no way I could eat 150 grams of protein without them (I do have two babies in there!!!).  My sister-in-law Kim and several awesome girlfriends are cooking for me. They say it's mostly because Mike completely gutted our kitchen just 4 days before we found out about my new restrictions - but it's also because they're worried and want to help in any way.  I keep reminding everyone that there is no reason to think something is genetically wrong, both babies have all their parts (and we've seen them ALL!) and both babies have equal amounts of fluids in their sacks.  Our next appointment is Tuesday afternoon, hopefully their fluid is the same and Baby A has done some catching up!  We will keep you posted!

2nd Trimester = New Wardrobe!

Hooray!  We've entered the 2nd trimester - at least that's how the internet tells me I should feel.  To tell you the truth, I really like being pregnant.  I haven't had any morning sickness, nausea and very little fatigue.  My worst symptoms are occasional headaches, lower back pains and sleepless nights.  The internet also tells me right about now I should "finally" start to look pregnant - HA!  They are speaking to normal pregnant women in their 14th week.  I am far from normal.  My belly is clearly visible.  Monday morning I tried on three pairs of pants and none of them would zip, let alone button!  I broke out the belly band my incredibly wise baby sister bought me for Christmas.  And man, was I comfortable in it!  It made going to the bathroom a little bit of a challenge though - an act I participate in quite frequently these days. 

My friend Kelli from back east has been asking (maybe begging) me to send belly pics and so have a few others.  I know I'm growing two babies (each of whom are 3 and a 1/2 inches now - about the size of your balled up fist), but it's still really hard to "show off" your bulging belly!  But here goes, pic number 1 of my growing tummy...

Our friends have been asking Mike and I what we've done so far to prepare for Alpha and Beta's arrival.  We both just giggle and wonder what we should be doing this early?  I suppose everyone prepares differently, my husband chose to work himself to death.  Seriously, he's been working 6 and a 1/2 days a week for several weeks now.  He says the end is in sight but it sure doesn't feel like it.  I've gone to bed alone twice this week! Ever since Mike heard the word twins, he accepts every job offer that comes his way!  He can't keep it up forever but he has some short term goals and is very motivated!

One change we have made....we have introduced the dogs to new sleeping quarters.  They have had the run of the house, but not anymore!  Their beds have been moved to the back living room and we secure them down there with a baby gate.  I felt a little guilty at first, but I have enough trouble sleeping without having the pitter patter of their paws on the hardwoods waking us up every morning betweek 5 and 6 AM.  If we don't get out of bed they let us sleep until 6:30!  Then Droste wines or barks until we get the point.  We have been pleased to find they seem to love their new bedroom and even lay down there on their own...